Homer's Illiad, for instance. His heel, really!!? (yes, my ego is certified large enough to criticize Homer, no cause for alarm folks)
But what brings me here tonight is the ending to a story that really matters: Xena, Warrior Princess. The Xena ending is bad. Rob Tapert, buddy, you brought us The Bitter Suit, and I love you for it. Hell, you brought us Xena in the first place. But A Friend In Need really, frankly, just drops the ball. The story and the dialogue actually make me angry. Do you want that to be the way you leave your audience!? The only way to correct this mistake is a movie, Rob. I know Renee's abs aren't what they used to be, but I'll love um just the same.
Until Rob gets his act together, I simply must take matters into my own hands. It's just called for.
We'll do it as a two parter, just like it is, with the whole MOST EPIC VILLAN EVER!!! We're not going to complicate the story with Gabrielle-Mock-1, a Pre-Gabrielle love n' good doing source in Xena's life. There's Gabrielle and that's it, she's our love story. (WTF Rob, why would you make a love triangle in the last episode. You disappoint me).
MOST EPIC BATTLE EVER!!! CLOSE TO DEATH ACTION!!! Keep the mythical battle in the forest, and the fountain of strength smoochy smooch between our gal pals. Then with the forest fires, and sword in the gut o-faces. Quality!
That's the BEGINNING of Part 2.
Part 1 was all story build up about why THIS IS THE MOST EPIC VILLAN EVER; exciting but cliched. We leave um hanging at the end of Part 1. But we make swift, clean work of it at the top of Part 2. Keep um a little uncomfortable about pacing -- "what... she defeated the bad guy again? That's it? Most amazing warrior the world has ever known again, already!?... well now what?"
Part 2: Day In The Life Style. Xena has, again, proven that she is the most incredible warrior the world over. Now what? "I'm kinda thirsty, aren't you?" Day In The Life! Climb down from Mt. Fuji, get some saki with the locals, find a laundry, hotel, and a hot bath. We'll make cracks about Asian laundry's, Gabrielle will be all smug about "hearing the sounds behind the sounds" as she trips over a rock and gets a boo boo, and all Xena wants is that water. Just gooey, love sticky life. On to the next village.
Not enough closure; title character has to die, huh? Food poisoning. Taverns, how sanitary can they really be? I'm kidding, but not as much as you think. Let's marinade in the passing, having it be kind and slow, and oh so utterly simple. Then our Love Warriors can reflect with each other: joke, cry, really talk and hug it out until even the audience is screaming END! We'll Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings it: "END ALREADY!!"
That's how you do it Rob.
What do you think Xena?
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